well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
