Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
