I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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