you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
