I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
