How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
