rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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