My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
