you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
