The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
