Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize