Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
