Christians are straight up FREAKS
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
