what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
