As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
