I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
