Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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