If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
