She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
