apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
