I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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