I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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