i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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