Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
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He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
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I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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