i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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