I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
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