I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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