ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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