im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
