Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
