Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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