Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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