I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
