Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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