I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
