Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I don't deserve a penis
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
