the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
