You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
