And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
