i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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