i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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