How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
