ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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