Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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