were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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