My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
