She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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