i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
