I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
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