it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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