Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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