Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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