Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
