Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
